Deleted Scenes Blogfest

My really good friend Mia is hosting the Deleted Scenes Blogfest. I confess, I goofed up the instructions a bit. I totally skipped over the word HUMOROUS. I’m afraid I’m not that funny except for when I’m not trying to be, which is never a good thing. But I did write a scene that I wished were in one of my favorite books.

I chose The Host by Stephanie Meyer. Yeah, I know, but I really do love this book, and she uses more passive voice than I do! Spoilers if you haven’t read the book, so read at your own risk.

Ian is my favorite character after Wanda. I loved that he symbolized the best of humanity–kindness, tolerance, the ability to love the soul without being blinded by the body, gentle, strong. You get the idea. Anyway, I was disappointed that Stephanie has Jared save Wanda with no mention of Ian being there. I don’t believe he would have slept through her leaving. He loved her too much. So, I wrote him into the scene. Jared is still the spotlight guy because I didn’t want to change what Stephanie wrote. I simply wanted Ian’s quiet strength and clear thinking present at the same time. (I can read chapter 56 over and over. Especially pg 575.) So, enough rambling, here is my deleted scene.

Ian realized Wanda was gone before he opened his eyes. Panic coursed through him as he sat up and looked around his small room. Her words earlier had been a goodbye. His hand brushed the spot where she had lain and found it still warm. He rolled to standing and raced through the door, hoping it wasn’t too late.

He hurried through the dark, heading for the southern tunnel and Doc’s infirmary. He wouldn’t let her leave without a fight. A thought tickled the back of his mind. Something Wanda said during the tribunal, but he couldn’t concentrate while worrying about losing her.

When he reached the midway point of the tunnel he ran into Jared. The impact sent them both sprawling on the ground.

“Jared, what are you doing here?” Ian’s voice was hard. “Did you escort her to the Doc?”

“Get off me O’Shea.” Jared pushed Ian off and clamored to his feet. “No, I didn’t. She came on her own and asked me to stay out.”

Ian felt the tightness in his chest and her words finally registered in his mind. “She wouldn’t let you come in?”

“No, said she wanted to do it alone and said Doc would come get me when it was over.”

It clicked into place, and he understood the look that passed between Wanda and Doc at the tribunal. Ian’s blood turned cold and he pushed past Jared to run the rest of the way. Jared grabbed his arm and tried to stop him.

“Ian, it’s what she wants. Let her go back to the flowers. Let Mel come back to us.” His voice sounded strong and persuasive, but Ian tried to shake him off.

“She has no intention of leaving earth.” Ian continued down the tunnel pulling Jared with him.

“What?”

“She plans on dying here. Let me go!” Ian charged forward as Jared released his arm. He could hear his footsteps following.

“Why? That’s not necessary.”

“She said she was tired of being a parasite. That was the one truth in the whole conversation.”

The two men reached the infirmary and saw the Doc sitting beside Melanie’s body holding Wanda’s silvery form in his hands. Tears ran down his face as he talked to her. He looked up as they rushed in. Ian reached for a cryotank, automatically powering it up.

“Doc, what are you doing?” Jared glanced at Mel but rushed to Doc’s side, knowing she would want him to save Wanda.

“She made me promise, Jared.” Doc’s voice was barely audible.

Jared pulled out his knife and wrapped his arms around the Doc’s neck until the blade rested against his throat. “We aren’t going to let her go like that. Just slide her into the cryotank, Doc.”

Ian had it open and held it out to the Doc. His eyes burned, his lips pressed into tight lines. He watched the small form twitching and undulating. “Doc, please, she’s in pain.”

“But I promised.” 

Jared tightened his grip. “Do it now Doc, I know you don’t want her to die. Give us a chance to find another solution.”

Doc sighed and gently slid Wanda into the cryotank. Ian sealed it and made sure everything was lit properly before breathing again. He sagged into the only other chair in the room and hugged the tank to his chest.

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About charitybradford

Science fiction and fantasy writer and blogger. My first novel is now available--The Magic Wakes (WiDo Publishing, 2013)

Posted on May 10, 2010, in Blogfest, story bits. Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Nice work. I know nothing of the book as I've never read one of Meyer's books, but I don't mind whatever you spoiled. ;-)I like what you put in this deleted scene, or alternative scene as it could be called. The character is interesting and likeable for sure. Only thing that sounded a bit weird to me is the very last line. He can pull the cryotank to his chest? When I think of hugging to the chest, I think of stuff like books not so much a tank. That's the only thing I didn't quite understand. The rest is great.I had someone suggest I read The Host and then rewrite the story in my own way. It was kind of weird. The person also thought English wasn't my first language because of the more formal tone in the chapter I had submitted. Who knows. Maybe someday I'll read the book at least.

  2. Oh wow!! This is so cool! You know, I thought that too when I read the book but I instantly forgave because it's just such a brilliant story :~DThank you so very much for taking part!! I don't mind that it's not funny in the slightest *hugs* this is fabulous!!!

  3. Oh, nice job! I really, really like this one. I think you made the characters more real than SM did. I thought The Host was okay, at least the ending, but it was all I could do to get that far. Probably because of that passive voice you mentioned. I really like your voice in this, though, and great imagining of how the scene would have gone down.

  4. I'm a fanfic girl at heart, so I completely understand the compulsion to 'fix' what the original got wrong or to dig into a subplot more deeply. 🙂 I loved the urgency in this piece, I could feel it and it had me on the edge of my seat. I've never read Meyers, but maybe I should try The Host? Anyway, great work. Mine isn't humorous either. I guess I missed that tidbit too. lol.

  5. That was really well done! It's been a while since I've read The Host, but you pulled me right back in. 🙂

  6. Dawn, thanks! I guess I should have described the tanks for those who have not read it. They are small. They fit 30 of them in a car. I imagined them about a foot tall, maybe round with a six to eight inch diameter. SM does say the souls are small enough to fit in your hand when not inside the host body. Hope that helps.Mia, thanks for hosting. It was really fun to do!Kristie, thank you! I often look at how popular and successful SM is and think, "Well, I can do that too!" I'm hoping that by taming the passive voice I'll at least be proud of the finished result regardless of if it "breaks" out or not. :)Mary, you should read it. I sent you an email with my take on it, but will write it here too for others passing by. It gets good after the first 120 pages. read it for the ride, thinking about the internal conflict (haha, that has multiple meanings here). there are good moments, and then others where I just skim my way through, but for some reason the story sticks with me. That's how I know I really like something. I find myself thinking about the questions and wondering what would I have done?Sonshine, Yay! I'm so glad. Thanks!

  7. What? They were supposed to be humorous? Mine wasn't either! I haven't read The Host, and I'm LOLing about your comment on all the passive voice!

  8. I didn't like The Host that much, but your scene is great. Adds a little something to the story… ; )

  9. Karen, thanks. I think SM's use of passive voice is why everyone gives her a hard time. Being sort of passive myself I was never so picky, until recently. I don't think I even noticed because I'm blessed with the ability to read and immerse myself in a story regardless of the writing. My mind just fills in the gaps. However, since studying all I need to know and revising my WIP, I've lost some of the joy in reading. I'm noticing crummy writing and wondering how some books ever got published. Tessa, thanks. 😉 Like I said, the concept of the story sticks with me. For whatever reason.

  10. Woo hoo! Excellent. =) I read The Host a while ago. This is a great addition. I agree with your comment, I find it hard to read when I see writing that isn't that great. I guess it goes along with being a writer. =)

  11. That is an awesome blogfest topic! And I really liked your rewrite.So many times I want to rewrite little parts of otherwise good books! Sounds like good practice.

  12. Oh… I thought the full body was in the tank. Yeah, that's what happens with people who haven't read the book, no idea what's going on or certain details. No worries but thanks for explaining it to me. 🙂

  13. Oh, geez–I knew I forgot about a blogfest. I tagged you in an actual non-blogfest-related post. Come check it out!

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